I wish I had chosen a more appropriate title for this post. Happiness would sound better, but it would mask how I feel. I wish I could say I was happy, but I think happiness is a state of mind the comes and goes with every breath we breathe. It doesn’t last long and it is different for everybody and everyone. Contentment is better. It evokes memories of comfort and stability. I can always go back to that feeling when the day is rough and long. I am most content at 3:00 pm on a Sunday afternoon. A peace washes over me like a blanket. It evokes memories of my childhood. My mother would have cooked Sunday dinner early and this was the time my whole family would gather around the TV to watch Family Classics.
Family Classics was hosted by Frazier Thomas and he would be your guide to an array of movie classics, such as Robin Hood, Mysterious Island, Robertson Crouse, Mutiny on the Bounty. This was a Chicago treat. I thought the music was so beautiful. At the time we lived in a two bedroom apartment with one TV. We would gather in my mother’s room watch. To this day around that time, I feel a peace wash over me on Sunday afternoons. I am so content and restful. This feeling on comes about on that day and around that time. Now it is not every Sunday, but is happens quite often. I am so glad I can use that feeling to gather my thoughts and push forward through whatever I have going on. Thank God.
I have finally got a lot of my blogs, posting together, without asking for help. I hate asking for help. I have always been independent and like to do things on my own. It has been very hard for me to accept help. I always feel I have to give something in return to make the scales balance again. I do not like to owe anybody. Please believe, I have asked for help, but it has always been after I have exhausted all other avenues at least 3 times. More importantly, I find when I do ask, I am always disappointed. I will usually get a yes, I can help you and the help never arrives. I listen patiently to the excuse(I forgot, “did you need it now”, etc…) look them straight in the eye and say, forget, I will do it myself. That is usually met with(ok, well good luck). I have learned to cut out the middle man and just do it myself.
Now before you ask, I have helped many people when they ask. I will go beyond and above the help that they ask for. I will also be up front and tell you when I can’t help(this usually involves money). If can’t help, I will check up on that person to see how they made out and maybe I can offer my services now. Now to be fair, I have turned down offers of help more times than I can count, but I still want you to offer. Sometimes I want you to insist(I know sounds funny doesn’t it). I will probably turn you down. If you know me, you know I would only ask because I am in dire straits. That independent streak has cause me a lot of strife, but it is my makeup.
I know it doesn’t make sense. Then again maybe it does. I will try to explain. No, I don’t need any help.
I was at Dollar General to pick up a few things. Standing in line waiting for the person in front of me to finish his purchase. The cashier was taking the young man’s change and some fell on the floor. One coin rolled under a cart. I informed this person that one your his coins had fallen under this cart. He stated that was all he had and he couldn’t purchase his bottled water. Just move the cart and get your dime. He seem reluctant to that, so I said I would give him the dime. Silence. Nothing. I repeated myself and asked him did he want the dime for his water. Silence again. The cashier spoke up and said yes(I can only assume they were friends since she could speak for him), he will take the dime. He finally spoke and said, if you want to.
Now I had two choices here. I could have said some very rude things(my vocabulary is quite extensive) or pay the dime and let go, let love flow. I opted for the 2nd one, with the first one still dancing on my tongue. I gave the cashier a quarter and she gave me the change. With a bright smile, she said thank you. The young man just stood there, confirmed a lunch date with her and left. She said thank you again, I guess as a way to cover his being a a…..h….. As they say in the matrix, I should have chosen the other pill.
It has taken me this long to figure out that I have become a new me. Recently I had surgery and developed some complications. My body has gone through a transformation. I thought I was going to come out of this the same as when I went in. Hell no. The surgery was over a month ago and I am just coming to terms with my new life style. Despite the fact that I lost 20 lbs., my energy is gone, I feel scattered and somewhat defeated. I am still in a lot of pain and my road to recovery is taking longer than I expected. This is one of the first times I have felt like blogging about anything. I have always been an instant girl and I expected to bounce back within days of my operation.
So I am making plans. This is a brand new me. One I will have to get use to. Instead of one day at a time, I go by hour to hour. Let’s see how far that will take me. See you on the other side.