Just for a moment

I just came back from shopping with my family.   We started discussing money and for one moment, I felt sad, depressed and alone.  Next week is Thanksgiving and Black Friday, when all the stores have super sales.   Just for a moment.  I remember all of the Black Fridays, I have missed, not being able to take advantage of deals.  I never had the money.   Never.  I remember all the Christmas present I was not able to buy my children.  My family provided for them, when their poor mother could not.   I need to send my family a thank you note for the rest of my life.  I have been struggling all my life and things don’t seem to be changing.   I know I’m blessed, but just once I want to buy because I want, not because I need.   I shop thrift shops, clothes give aways, clip coupons like crazy and still I feel like I am standing in the same place as I did before.   I keep trying to climb the laddar of success and somehow a few of  my rungs missing.    I have been able to achieve some success, but no foundation,in case I fall.  Most of falls take years of recovery.  I don’t ever remember bouncing back from any struggle in my life.  When I was down, I was laid low.   I got back up, but with a price and years of hard work.  I spoke about what your definition of rich is.   I like the fact that  my bills are paid.   I don’t have to worry if they are going to turn something off and when.  I have been in the position where I could not pay my bills and lived almost a whole year with gas.  There were days when I had bus fare to go to work, but not enough to get home.   I could not afford a can of pop if was thirsty.  I have house, food and so do my children.  I have learned to open my heart a bit more each and every day.  It was closed for a while and it is hard to let people in for fear of getting hurt.  I see myself changing lives, but the more I work at it, the more I am behind.    I am chasing so much, nothing is getting done.  Nothing.  I have trimmed the fat in every way I know of and still I struggle.  I am just one paycheck away from ruin.   I don’t give up; I just try harder the next day and the next.    I will just keep trying.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Just for a moment

  1. I totally understand the pain and frustration that you are going through my dearest friend. I was looking through some of my old mail the other day, and I came across a card that you sent me. It says “Believe”. I put that card in my living room where I can see it to remember when I am feeling down and under. I say to you my dearest friend to believe and have faith. I am keeping you in my prayer and I also believe that things are going to get better.
    Maryann

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