This One Comes From The Heart

I have been sitting here at the computer most of the day trying to get a calendar on one of my other blogs.   It’s not working, they way I want.  So now, my spirits are a little low.    I try to keep up appearances, but most of the time I am just unhappy.    Why do people believe the strong  needs no help.   I know that God is on my side, but I truly believe he put people on this earth to help one another.   Most of the time I end up doing things for myself and by myself.   I know that I have changed.   My heart seems to be closed off.   I keep a distance.   My trust factor is at zero.   I have been hurt so many times, I can’t even explain.   I try to explain myself, about who I am and what I want out of life.   It is like I am talking in the wind.    I don’t expect anybody to give me anything.  I have been let down too many times.   Just don’t bother me when I am trying to get what I need.   Most of the time, I will not ask you for help.   I won’t ask for anything.   Since I am not bothering you, don’t bother me.   Just to leave me alone and I will come around.    Since my priorities have shifted, these are things I want and I know what  I need to get them.   They will not involve anyone’s  time, money or effort.    I am strong enough to make this happen, but when I need help, I expect it.    Since I don’t ask often, it should be an easy task.   It never is.  I am strong for one reason and one reason only, Jesus Christ in my life.   He knows I need help  sometimes.  He knows I need him all the time.   That is my spiritual side.  My human side needs to be held up, petted, stroke and told, “It is going to be alright”.   Just lean on me, and I will be strong for you”.   I don’t need it often, but I do need it.

I remember when I broke up with the father of my  children.  Right after the birth of our daughter, we  discovered we still had feelings for each other.  We had decided to get back together.   The other women was suppose to be told.  It never happened.   I kept wondering why he felt it was so easy to hurt me.   I guess I must have been talking out loud and two of my friends told me why.   They felt the reason was; he didn’t stay with me was because I could take the pain.  Can you believe that.  I could weather the pain better than she.  They felt the other women would not be able to recover.   He took the easy way out along with my heart and trust..   Even my mother agreed with the assessment.   How could my pain be weighed as less than.     I guess that is why doctor’s have a chart in their offices about the levels of pain.   So if at that time, a poll  taken and my pain threshold proved sustainable, then hurt I was.   I guess what goes around comes around.   I had to say sorry to my daughter.  Out of my two children, she seemed able to sustain the hits and blows.  She was the first to venture out there in that world by herself.   My son seem to shy away from the limelight.   By hook or crook, their roles are reversed, it was my son who is doing better and sustaining .  My daughter is now in her own, in an apartment and taking life as it comes, but it took a while.     I am proud of her  as well as my son.   But I tended my son’s garden more often than my daughter’s thinking she was the strongest.  Thinking that she would be able to handle the wears and tears of life.    Where I made my mistake was thinking at all.   Being strong does not guarantee you anything.   Maybe the reason the strong survive is because they have to.   No one  else to depend on.   Everybody expecting them to rise above and fly.    Everybody needs help.   No one is immune to hurt, disappointment and pain.   Some just handle it in a different way.  We all survive in the end.   Some of us  just happen to survive with more help than others.

So, the next time you see a strong person, standing tall in force of life, go over and give them a helping hand.   They just maybe falling down on the inside.

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